You won’t be sad forever.

I guess from my point of view it’s good to remember this and so very often I forget it. I feel so very much encased in the moment that the rest of my life feels as if it’s always been and will be the same. It won’t of course but it can feel that way. I guess I’m not alone in bouncing from one end of the scale to the other, nor in not understanding why but it seems that many people do not.

The void within so pressurised

it throbs and aches
indistinct and everywhere
intangible the cause
enveloped in the mist,
a sensory deprivation, it confuses
indecision is the norm
so desolate without hope
ever present and forever more
 

The smiles come back

they flick and flash upon your face
without reason or endeavour
unbidden they arrive
caught unawares you laugh
relaxing never knowing how
to err or doubt is absent
once defeated, now invincible
as always and forever more

Wild sea winds

So yet another poem... you must be thinking that the book has died a death. Well no it hasn't but I feel it's in need of  bit of reworking so have taken some time to write a few poems instead while it gets a brush up.

Last week-end we went down to the coast. It was bright sunny day lovely and hot and absolutely gorgeous is so many ways. Then we stepped out of the car and found that it had hidden us from the wind and despite the lovely sun it was still rather cold for shorts. This is a short piece about being on the coast a place I love because of the moods the sea can have.

Wild sea winds

Eyes staring out to sea

a brisk wind freezing the face
greyed cotton wool clouds
hang low buffeted by the sea
waves of growling frustrated toddlers.

Crashing into the beach
their white crests, peaks of wrath
pounding the pebbles
inching closer to me

Turning, I walk on

the going is slow
stones sliding underfoot
my steps deliberate, meaningful

Locked into the past

I guess there are times when I feel I've been here before. Deja vu if you like but deeper, not just the actions or speach but the feelings and my behaviour to and whole scene repeated. Well this feeling of time repeating is part of what I'm trying to say, the other part is how it can feel when your behaviour is limited by the past by what has gone before something that you cannot escape. So

Locked into the past

You live and relive the past

it is now and yet still then
your old self, the child not grown
unaltered by time, emotions still cycling
life changes yet repeats
you echo what was

Your fear confines and defines you

a cycle created by others, maintained by you
you suffer your past and call it your present
you never move yet hate what’s around
denying the truth, you blame all but yourself
for your past that's still present

Being Overwhelmed

I guess most of us have felt overwhelmed at some point, whether it be through nerves or fear, however for some life is always overwhelming and everything that happens can feel like it's going to do that. So overwhelmed could be just another day in the life for someone who fears what might happen next.

Falling ,floating

places people go past so fast
whizz around and come back again
turning, twisting, slowing briefly
then speeding away
nothing ever the same

Connecting and separating so fast
warm and then cold
full and then empty
rushing forward doing everything
no time to rest, to feel safe

Coochy coos and raspberry kisses

So still working on the poetry... and this is one that might need a lot of work to remove all the cheezy sayings and such but hey I was feeling good.

Coochey coos and raspberry kisses

Tickle bellies and peek-a-boo
The cuddles and abandoned sleep
Those loving feelings the world can see
A time that passes instantly
 
Such times of failure and first steps
Strong wills exerted and cheeky grins abeam
Hugs and sloppy kisses, and hourly triumphant dances
A time that passes quickly 

Of independent thought and mind

Of strikings out and retrenchments
Of first loves and of losses
And more permanent achievements
A time that passes by

A loss of youth, of innocence and thought

A loss of honest openness just business and choice,
Redundant consults in their lives, a time where comments’ passed.
Small need to praise or be proud
They’re self assured and confident
Their lives have moved away
A time that changes you 

Though now apart they hear you still

Those murmurings of love and faith, of confidence and pride
Your ghostly comments still abound inside
Father and son, past and present, intermingled all

A time that never dies

Monsters in the dark

So this week I have been more interested in writing poetry than I have working on the book. Unfortunately everthing that I've written is incomplete in my eyes I 've picked one that I wrote a while ago that feels finished. I guess with some poems it's obvious what they are about and with others it isn't. I like to write things that make you think, make you work a little to understand what the poet is going on about and this is one of those.

Monsters in the Dark.

Sunshine pouring down

they are there

in the dark spaces

stalking their prey,

who night blinded

do not see and

scorn their existence

They’re ghosts in my vision

menacing spectres

ready to strike

Hyper alert I jump

at noises and shadows

sure those monsters are there

ready to fight

To avoid my death

I expend great energy

watching waiting.

the mists of Nyx roll in

the monsters invade

a plague upon the earth

The end inevitable

I wait, vigilant

light is their enemy

till it is gone, they wait

just out of sight

until sleep overtakes me.

Poems for all

Okay so I'm not really good at poetry and neither meter nor rhyme are things I take the time to practise however I like pattern and form and I tried to give this both. No title yet and somehow I doubt there ever will be.

The world it shouts so in my head

my eyes they never capture all
I tire of the stimulus
too bright, too fast, too loud, my head is overcrowded
I cannot turn it off

To blink and have things disappear

I respond when no one’s been there
I am not keeping up
miss heard, miss timed, miss understood, my head is so confused
I wish for it to stop
 

For now I question everything

so strong my feelings, put on hold
I wish to lose control
I rant, I rage, I respond, my head it finds some peace
I feel free at last

The world it closes in to take control of me
to bring me down and make me safe
I hate it that it tries
afreak, a dunce, a devil, my heart it wants to die
I do not care for life

I wake to find myself enslaved

now chained to life without a choice
I think but I am not
they prod, they poke, they question me, a puppet made to dance
I mind my words again

I lay my head with Clozapine

and wait to see what change it makes
I resent the time it takes
I sleep, I drool, I shake, and eat my weight in food
I want it to be gone

Encased in cotton wool I live

aslower, duller, flatter life
I wait for energy
no ghosts, no noise, no extra things, a life so ordinary
I learn to live again