So this week it seems I've spent a lot time with people talking about hearing voices and it made me think about all those times when I've thought I've heard something and yet no one else seems to have done. I was trying to illistrate that those inner deamons can become a bit too much and instead of them being just the voice of reason they can become monsters. So Aren't you listening to me is about a women who seems to not hear her friends nor understand them becuase there is just too much going on in her head that drowns them out.
Aren’t you listening to me?
“Oh for petes sake just get on with something.”
"Don’t take all day”
“Can’t you do anything without me?”
“Oh please is it really important? Can it wait?”
Suzie shook her head in her hands as she screwed her eyes tight shut. Why wouldn’t they be quiet? She opened her eyes and looked at the people passing her table in the coffee shop. No one seemed to even look her way.
“Come on it’s not that difficult you just have to try harder."
“Seriously, you need my help with that?”
“Suzie, really, other people are far worse off than you. Come on pull yourself together.”
“Suzie?”
“You’re never going to manage that.”
“Suzie?”
God why wouldn’t they leave her alone?
“So are you just going to sit there then?”
Yes, yes she was because right now all she wanted to do was cry and hide in a hole. She was just too tired to even think about doing anything and things had been going so well to and then a little problem and it was all over. And now this barrage of abuse had started.
“Suzie?”
“Oh, what do you want?” She looked up and saw her mistake. The caring eyes that had greeted her had hardened and fixed into a glare. She shook her head and closed her eyes. “I’m sorry.” A tear slid from between her lashes as she looked back at the taught face of her friend Sarah. “I’m so sorry.”
“Hummm, so how are you?”
She looked at her taught and blank face. She couldn’t tell if this was a how’y’do? moment or a genuine tell me what’s going on moment. She stared into the space between them. “Not so good today.”
“Not so good, blimey anyone would think you were dying the way you go on.”
She forced a smile not even sure if it had been Sarah who had spoken. “So what can I do for you?”
Sarah just stood and stared at her.
She blinked, now was that Sarah who had spoken she wondered again. She couldn’t tell or was the stare becuase it was a strange thing to say given that she was sitting in a cafe drinking coffee, doing a crossword and hadn’t seen her friend in several days; but really what did it matter right now she was so tired.
“Well you should have gotten to bed earlier then shouldn’t you?”
Now that had been her mother. She closed her eyes as she rubbed her temples. Maybe that would have been better but still would a couple more hours of restless nightmarish sleep really made today easier to bear? She thought not.
“You know you can talk to me about anything don’t you?”
She looked into Sarah’s concerned eyes and not for the first time wondered if she actually could. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to tell people, in fact it would be a blessed relief in some ways, the problem was what if she didn’t react well. What if Sarah didn’t believe her? What if..? Oh yes the, what if’s plagued her. Wouldn’t it be better to be sure of an understanding response before she said anything? Yet more questions, there were so many things going on in her head and yet they never felt as if they were just in her own head. It felt like people were talking and shouting at her, it felt like they were right here in front of her, she could hear their disapproval the tone of their voice and no matter how hard she looked around and saw that they weren’t it she always felt like they had been said.
Sarah sat down next to her. “You do know that don’t you?” She paused to squeeze her arm. “It’s just you look like hell right now and I haven’t heard from you in ages, what’s going on, I’d like to help.”
Suzie stared at the table. Help, that would be nice but what could she do? She looked up at her friends face. She sighed. “I’m not sleeping too well, lots of nightmares.” She shrugged.
“She won’t want to hear about all that.”
Sarah slumped a little. “Oh dear, anything in particular?”
Suzie raised an eyebrow, “No just the usual; awake every hour or so.”
“Whoa really!” She paused. “Ouch, no wonder you look washed out. How long’s it been going on?”
Oh about, what fifteen years on and off.
“Oh come on, everyone gets a few nightmares every now and again.”
No she really couldn’t say that, it wasn’t like it had been constant every night all that time, it just felt like it right now. She propped her chin up on her hands.”A while.”
“Oh come on it’s not been any time at all.” She sighed, why wouldn’t they just shut up for a bit? She rubbed her forehead.
“Why don’t you go home and get some rest.”
“That would be great however not really very likely.”
“Why, do you know what’s causing them?”
Suzie feasted on the look of concern in her friends face, a restorative to her waning spirit. “Not exactly.”
“Oh please a few nightmares, what’s the big deal.”
“I’m just a bit stressed I guess. I never do very well...” She paused as her friend had turned to look over her shoulder.
“Sorry.”
Yeah, you and me both. “I just don’t really cope well with change.”
“No, none of us do really.” She got up. “Well hope things improve for you soon. Gotta go but we should catch up soon.”
Suzie smiled. “Yes, we should.” And just as I was getting into the idea of telling you the whole story you’re not interested any more. Fantastic! People are just too damn busy.
“Everyone has their own stuff to deal with; I mean what did you expect?”
She sagged into her seat. Yes what had she expected, disinterest and no understanding, well she’d gotten that, or had she? Who knew when you had so much else going on it was difficult to tell. She picked up her drink and considered going home; at least she could lie down and close her eyes there. She sighed. Yes and then they would return, the phantoms in the dark, those ghostly beings that inhabited her dreams and scared her so without ever revealing who or what they were; maybe she’d wait a bit longer. Maybe if she was really tired they wouldn’t come and she would sleep well? And maybe she should make an appointment to see her doctor.
“Oh please for a few nightmares, everyone gets them from time to time.”
“Bother the doctor, what can they do? Nothing.”
Well somebody needed to do something because she couldn’t go on like this much longer.
“It’ll be better tomorrow, you just wait and see. Good nights sleep and you’ll be fine.”
Really as if she didn’t know that and how exactly was she going to get that good nights sleep when you won’t shut up?
Someone tapped her on the shoulder. “Hey there.”
She jumped. “Hey.” She looked up.
“Oooh you look like shit.”
“Thanks.” She slopped her drink down on the table.
“Sorry didn’t mean anything...you look rough, not been sleeping?”
“Not much no.”
“Oh you’re always asleep”
Oh do shut up, god what I wouldn’t do for a break from you’re bloody disapproval. She looked at her friend and let her face drop into misery.
“Oh dear, that bad.”
“Oh I only wake up every other bloody hour.”
“Oh come on, you’re exaggerating.” Her mother again, why did she always assume that something that sounded really bad couldn’t possibly be true.
Her friend sat down. “Bloody hell, you need to go to your doctor. You can’t live like that.”
She raised her eyebrows. “And what exactly are they going to do? Give me sleeping pills?”
"Not the point and I’m damn sure they’ll do more than that if you tell them what’s going on.”
She sighed deeply. “I doubt it.”
“Well you can’t go on like this. What’s bringing it on, is work bad or...?”
“Just stuff. Boss is a pain, my colleagues are nightmares, not getting out much, and everything is going a bit crazy, but nothing unusual, run of the mill stuff.”
“Right well something’s going on.”
Oh yeah something is going on but how do I explain the voices without sounding like a complete fruitloop?
“Oh for god’s sake not that again, you’re just not paying attention ‘cause you’re tired.” Yup her dad had been a good one at ignoring the obvious too and exactly why he thought she would have reacted the way she did if she really wasn’t hearing and seeing things was a mystery but he’d certainly acted like he didn’t believe her. Her friend just sat watched her as she drank.
“If it’s work then why don’t you take some time off? Get away for a bit, it might help”
Suzie looked down at the table. “I’d only have to come back to it.”
“But at least you’d have been away from it for a while and you might feel differently about it then.”
She shrugged.
“It’s worth a try.”
Yes well she knew of old that it would improve things but only as long as she was away from it. Go back and it would start up again and she’d have to deal with it then so why bother. She shook her head. “It won’t help. I’ll have some peace and then I’ll have to go back.”
Sarah frowned. “So you do know what’s causing it.”
She sighed. “Yes and no, getting away from people always helps, not having to do or be places but it’s not always bad at work it can be anything. I just don’t know why it gets bad or why it goes away either.”
“How long has it been going on for?
“Oh years, ever since I can remember.”
“What!”
She looked up sharply her friend looked shocked.
“Years?”
She turned her drink round. “Yeah, it comes and goes.”
“Then you should definitely tell you doctor. He could send you to a sleep clinic or something, get to the bottom of it. You need some help.”
She looked up, her friend was so concerned but she really didn’t know the half of it. “Yeah like that will solve all my problems. It’s a bit more complicated than that.”
“Well like how? Cause it seems quite simple to me. You go to the doctor and tell them what’s going on and get started at sorting it out.”
Yes and in the process they might just lock me up, that or not believe me. Great I think I can do without that. She looked away from her friend. No one had ever helped before so why would they now just because she wasn’t sleeping so well.
