Forgive me World

I don't know about you but there are days when I feel chronically guilty for how much I feel. It isn't so much that I feel but that I need time to deal with the feelings that I have when it seems the rest of the world is impatiently tapping it's foot waiting for me to be okay with things that it just doesn't seem to have a problem with.

Forgive me world for I have sinned
I want to hide away from those who cry and moan
who’s lives are not so good.
I want instead to have a life that pleases me
that lifts my soul and makes me glad.

Forgive me world for I have sinned,
work has depleted and depressed me.
I cannot take the empty disregard
I have tried so hard, but all I want is rest
and to enjoy the wonders of this world.

Forgive me world for I have sinned
I do not have a happy smile,
this life it throttles me and
icy fear has sapped my will live.
I cannot take the pain it dishes out.

Forgive me world for I have sinned
I cannot be the woman that you want,
I cannot hide the tears or forget the angry words
I want a life where there’s time to feel and be felt.

Forgive me world I cannot change to suit your needs
I feel so much I have no choice,
I need the time to think it through
to find what works for me

and the will to live again.

Underneath

 I have to say I have had plenty of days when I have wished people a million miles away from. I have yearned for some peace, some space from my emotional responses to their out bursts or tears. Certainly it has felt that I am pulled from pillar to post by how others are feelings and have been unable to find a space where I am within the world. A space where I am calm. So this is just a little  poem about how washed away it can feel when everything and everyone around you seems to be pulling you in every direction

I close my eyes and there is a storm,
my fluttering heart and ragged breathing trying to contain it.
Icy blasts of anger, the hot raging humiliation or desire,
the disappointed tears and burning acid fear. I feel it all.

Both floating and falling my eyes snap open,
the worlds the same, no outward change.
The people walk and talk as the world continues.
I feel a part of it all, I can feel it pulsing through me.

The air is pressing down, waves of heat as people pass by,
icy blasts of anger, or spiky indignation, the slap of pain.
I feel it all pressing against me,
yanked and jostled by what the world feels.

The shrieks of joy and frustration they move through me.
They feed the swirling mass within, the storm ever faster
It’s dizzying. Oh for it to stop to calm,
I could catch my breath and get some rest.

I don’t need to know the words they speak or their histories
I see from gestures and from tone the feelings that they have
I can feel the responses from within.
I wish I didn’t feel it so.

I listen for the leaves, the rubbish moving anything that’s calm.
I listen for the chirps of birds and rustles of the unknown
anything that strokes and soothes,
that calms and lifts me away from them.