It seems to me that as children we start out getting much of what we want and desire and then as we get older far more gets in the way of those desires. The need for money, the need for a home and children and really as adult so many of us lose out on the things that we would like that don’t make it onto the necessary list of thing we need to achieve to keep the roof over our heads or food in our bellies and the kids in school etc. the thing is that so often I hear people bemoan the things that they haven’t done and how they woke up and found their lives had passed by without really realizing it and now want so much more than they had. So this comes in part from all the people I’ve met who have suffered just that bit more than average.
A life not lived
6/7/2012
I woke up to bright sunshine streaming in between a break in the curtains way before I wanted to. 4:30 for Petes’ sake who wants to be up at this time. I am so tired my sleep has been plagued with night mares of pain and suffering. Mine to be precise and really vivid and gruesome too I just can’t stand this anymore. Night after night running for my life, getting beaten or raped and why because life isn’t how I want it. I have a job and a home, a family, a loving partner and every night I am chased, beaten, often raped and killed. I just don’t get it.
Today I have a day off, a day just to myself and now I am awake at 4:30 feeling like my head hasn’t touched the pillow in years. The family will be getting up in a few hours and I was hoping for a lie in and some rest. Well really I was hoping to spend the day in bed sleeping off some of the bone weariness that is so much a part of my life right now. The fog that surrounds my mind is so numbing, the routine that I live in means I could do it in my sleep. Well really it feels like my whole life is done in my sleep.
My husband will be at work, the kids at school I can sleep all day well that was the plan. So what now, my eyes feel like they’ve be sucked back a little further into my skull, my body weights so much more and my muscles have wasted away and I can’t lift myself any more. I am just sinking through the mattress and rising above it all at the same time. Wide awake and in a deep slumber too. Oh to feel like I am really alive. Oh to feel like the blood is pumping through my veins and pushing me on to greater things.
But no I have things to do, places to be, children to sort out, problems to solve and all I want is to sleep and feel rested, to feel happy and content and alive. It’s all very well to have children and a family and good career but really what does any of it mean when I am fighting to feel alive, am I asleep or am I dreaming. I can’t even remember when I did something and enjoyed it, even before I felt so tired when did I ever do something purely because I wanted to?
I’m on 45 for Petes’ sake and I feel about 100, worn down and weary of living. So many chores, responsibilities: are the kids at school, the job, the chores, have I done the shopping, cooked a meal got the kids to clubs, taken some exercise, seen my friends, so much of my life feels like a big fat chore that I have do but would much rather not. Something I will be asked to do again and again and will not enjoy something that others want and say we all need but not something that I actually want.
How did my life get like this? Get to me taking a day off work so that I can sleep, so that I can do absolutely nothing and feeling that that will not be enough to revitalise me. I just want to feel...
And there we have it. I have no idea how I want to feel, I just don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to feel so dead to everything. And now I think about it, it’s not just doing something, it’s everything: things don’t taste nice, I never have any energy, I ache all the time, the world is talking about things but I am not really hearing any of it and the other day I swear I was seeing things. I just don’t feel like I know what is going on around me. My life is deadening and deafening and I don’t ‘feel that anyone is really hearing what I am saying, seeing what I do or even noticing what I achieve; I may as well not be here.
I mean really when was the last time I had any fun?
Well my friends would probably say last Fri when you were out with us, my work colleagues the day before yesterday when we celebrated the new contract, my husband the evening in we had, and the kids the last time I took them out or l joked at breakfast. But really I’m not sure any of this was fun. I don’t want to do this anymore; I just don’t want just this life, I want more. So why does it feel so bad, so wrong, it’s not like I’m bouncing around with energy doing things that I enjoy. Most of what I do is for everyone else. For the kids, my husband, my friends, because when is there any time for me in all this. When am I doing anything that I really want?
Maybe today!? But what do I want? And what can I do in a day that I really want?
A life not lived
6/7/2012
I woke up to bright sunshine streaming in between a break in the curtains way before I wanted to. 4:30 for Petes’ sake who wants to be up at this time. I am so tired my sleep has been plagued with night mares of pain and suffering. Mine to be precise and really vivid and gruesome too I just can’t stand this anymore. Night after night running for my life, getting beaten or raped and why because life isn’t how I want it. I have a job and a home, a family, a loving partner and every night I am chased, beaten, often raped and killed. I just don’t get it.
Today I have a day off, a day just to myself and now I am awake at 4:30 feeling like my head hasn’t touched the pillow in years. The family will be getting up in a few hours and I was hoping for a lie in and some rest. Well really I was hoping to spend the day in bed sleeping off some of the bone weariness that is so much a part of my life right now. The fog that surrounds my mind is so numbing, the routine that I live in means I could do it in my sleep. Well really it feels like my whole life is done in my sleep.
My husband will be at work, the kids at school I can sleep all day well that was the plan. So what now, my eyes feel like they’ve be sucked back a little further into my skull, my body weights so much more and my muscles have wasted away and I can’t lift myself any more. I am just sinking through the mattress and rising above it all at the same time. Wide awake and in a deep slumber too. Oh to feel like I am really alive. Oh to feel like the blood is pumping through my veins and pushing me on to greater things.
But no I have things to do, places to be, children to sort out, problems to solve and all I want is to sleep and feel rested, to feel happy and content and alive. It’s all very well to have children and a family and good career but really what does any of it mean when I am fighting to feel alive, am I asleep or am I dreaming. I can’t even remember when I did something and enjoyed it, even before I felt so tired when did I ever do something purely because I wanted to?
I’m on 45 for Petes’ sake and I feel about 100, worn down and weary of living. So many chores, responsibilities: are the kids at school, the job, the chores, have I done the shopping, cooked a meal got the kids to clubs, taken some exercise, seen my friends, so much of my life feels like a big fat chore that I have do but would much rather not. Something I will be asked to do again and again and will not enjoy something that others want and say we all need but not something that I actually want.
How did my life get like this? Get to me taking a day off work so that I can sleep, so that I can do absolutely nothing and feeling that that will not be enough to revitalise me. I just want to feel...
And there we have it. I have no idea how I want to feel, I just don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to feel so dead to everything. And now I think about it, it’s not just doing something, it’s everything: things don’t taste nice, I never have any energy, I ache all the time, the world is talking about things but I am not really hearing any of it and the other day I swear I was seeing things. I just don’t feel like I know what is going on around me. My life is deadening and deafening and I don’t ‘feel that anyone is really hearing what I am saying, seeing what I do or even noticing what I achieve; I may as well not be here.
I mean really when was the last time I had any fun?
Well my friends would probably say last Fri when you were out with us, my work colleagues the day before yesterday when we celebrated the new contract, my husband the evening in we had, and the kids the last time I took them out or l joked at breakfast. But really I’m not sure any of this was fun. I don’t want to do this anymore; I just don’t want just this life, I want more. So why does it feel so bad, so wrong, it’s not like I’m bouncing around with energy doing things that I enjoy. Most of what I do is for everyone else. For the kids, my husband, my friends, because when is there any time for me in all this. When am I doing anything that I really want?
Maybe today!? But what do I want? And what can I do in a day that I really want?
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