In so many ways I feel I have a unique perspective on the world around me and how people relate to each other. Unique in the sense that this is how I see the world and no one else will see it/hear it through my eyes and ears. The strange part is that although I see myself just like everyone else I doubt that how I react is like everyone else. A long term mental health condition can skew you’re perceptions of what it is to be normal and when so many people are denying that there is such a thing as normal people tend to ask what makes you ill instead. To me normal is simply not being unwell, it is not different form how I am it is just not hurting everyone in the way that my mind/thoughts/deeds are. I find myself talking to many people with mental health conditions who are desperate to tell me that we are different. We are ill and although I agree in principle I still wonder if they are right. Are we fundamentally different or do we just do things differently and that causes the problems.
So this little piece is about one persons imagines, one persons questions about how peoples minds work.
I have often wondered what my place in this world is. Where do I fit and quite frankly I am none the wiser. I look around at the world, at people going through their daily lives and wonder, what are they saying to themselves? Are they berating themselves, do they tear themselves down when no one else is? Do they worry about things that no one has even noticed?
I see confident, outgoing, chatty, happy people and I wonder. They tell me about what they have achieved and talk about their kids or new job. They moan about their parents and the weather, how unfair this or that is, or how obnoxious a boss they have but really what is going on, on the inside?
I’m not exactly the shy and retiring type. I’m not the wall flower or the sad little creature. I’m not even the extrovert or the popular person trying to make up for my inadequacies by showing off. I’m just there. I turn up to things, I try things and then maybe never do them again, but hey at least I had a go. I guess to others I seem confident and outgoing and have done so much, but really on the inside there’s a little girl that’s terrified, her heart is racing, the adrenalin is making her cold and jittery, and she’s shrieking with all her might to just get the hell out of here. It’s not like you even wanted to do this, wanted to be here. So just bloody well go and be done with it. But I don’t go, I don’t leave, in fact I just take a deep breath and do what I am asked and occasionally I shake, or have to sit down and in most instances I just don’t agree to things I can’t face doing.
Okay so sometimes this doesn’t work out so well. I fail, I fall over myself either in words or in deeds, but when it comes down to it I guess I usually do okay and people believe...well what they want to I suppose, that I’m confident or good or I don’t know, maybe, arrogant given my shortcomings, but mostly they just don’t act like I expect them too. They just keep asking more and more and quite frankly MORE of me and I try to give it. I try to make them pleased with me and then they say, oh you’ve done everything, or you are a know it all you’ve got all the answers.
But really do they not get it. I’m scared, scared of failing, scared of not being good enough, scared of not being happy, of not having friends, scared of living. It would be so nice to have someone actually say thank you, or good job, well done. Nice to hear someone say that must have taken a lot of effort, thanks, couldn’t have done it without you. But really what I want to hear is so glad you’re alive, you’re a wonderful person to know. I spend all my time trying to be what you want, trying to say the right thing and really I just want to feel like I’m a good person and someone to be proud of, proud to know. But I don’t feel it. I feel I’m bad and wrong and there’s nothing I can do to make up for that but I try because what else is there. What else can I do? Die! No that’s just not me and it’s not about quitting or taking the cowards way out. No it’s about how good life can be, how fantastic it is to solve a problem or make someones’ life just that little bit better than it was because I said this or that. It’s about how great chocolate cake tastes, how mind blowing roller coasters are, it’s about how amazing the natural world is and that there is so much to see in this world that I don’t want to not be a part of it. But oh how it hurts, how hard it is to keep going day after day.
So I wonder, is everyones life full of doubt? Do they feel so wrong all the time or are they as happy as they seem? Do they ignore the shadows that appear and the voices that scream at them, do they put up with all the voices telling them they are no good or is it just me? Does everyone see things that disappear and feel the earth move even when it hasn’t? Do their emotions take their breath away or are they as unaffected as they seem. Or are they fighting their own internal battle to be who they want to be and do what they want to do.
So this little piece is about one persons imagines, one persons questions about how peoples minds work.
I have often wondered what my place in this world is. Where do I fit and quite frankly I am none the wiser. I look around at the world, at people going through their daily lives and wonder, what are they saying to themselves? Are they berating themselves, do they tear themselves down when no one else is? Do they worry about things that no one has even noticed?
I see confident, outgoing, chatty, happy people and I wonder. They tell me about what they have achieved and talk about their kids or new job. They moan about their parents and the weather, how unfair this or that is, or how obnoxious a boss they have but really what is going on, on the inside?
I’m not exactly the shy and retiring type. I’m not the wall flower or the sad little creature. I’m not even the extrovert or the popular person trying to make up for my inadequacies by showing off. I’m just there. I turn up to things, I try things and then maybe never do them again, but hey at least I had a go. I guess to others I seem confident and outgoing and have done so much, but really on the inside there’s a little girl that’s terrified, her heart is racing, the adrenalin is making her cold and jittery, and she’s shrieking with all her might to just get the hell out of here. It’s not like you even wanted to do this, wanted to be here. So just bloody well go and be done with it. But I don’t go, I don’t leave, in fact I just take a deep breath and do what I am asked and occasionally I shake, or have to sit down and in most instances I just don’t agree to things I can’t face doing.
Okay so sometimes this doesn’t work out so well. I fail, I fall over myself either in words or in deeds, but when it comes down to it I guess I usually do okay and people believe...well what they want to I suppose, that I’m confident or good or I don’t know, maybe, arrogant given my shortcomings, but mostly they just don’t act like I expect them too. They just keep asking more and more and quite frankly MORE of me and I try to give it. I try to make them pleased with me and then they say, oh you’ve done everything, or you are a know it all you’ve got all the answers.
But really do they not get it. I’m scared, scared of failing, scared of not being good enough, scared of not being happy, of not having friends, scared of living. It would be so nice to have someone actually say thank you, or good job, well done. Nice to hear someone say that must have taken a lot of effort, thanks, couldn’t have done it without you. But really what I want to hear is so glad you’re alive, you’re a wonderful person to know. I spend all my time trying to be what you want, trying to say the right thing and really I just want to feel like I’m a good person and someone to be proud of, proud to know. But I don’t feel it. I feel I’m bad and wrong and there’s nothing I can do to make up for that but I try because what else is there. What else can I do? Die! No that’s just not me and it’s not about quitting or taking the cowards way out. No it’s about how good life can be, how fantastic it is to solve a problem or make someones’ life just that little bit better than it was because I said this or that. It’s about how great chocolate cake tastes, how mind blowing roller coasters are, it’s about how amazing the natural world is and that there is so much to see in this world that I don’t want to not be a part of it. But oh how it hurts, how hard it is to keep going day after day.
So I wonder, is everyones life full of doubt? Do they feel so wrong all the time or are they as happy as they seem? Do they ignore the shadows that appear and the voices that scream at them, do they put up with all the voices telling them they are no good or is it just me? Does everyone see things that disappear and feel the earth move even when it hasn’t? Do their emotions take their breath away or are they as unaffected as they seem. Or are they fighting their own internal battle to be who they want to be and do what they want to do.
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